Half a year without my better half
Six months, Jackson's third birthday, NOLA trip, cleaning out the closet, dating, and life lately
It’s been six months since Jon died. Well, nearly seven now. So many months since I’ve heard his laugh, felt his reassuring touch, or caught his gaze across a room. Some days that feels like an eternity, and other days it feels like just a blink.
I spent the anniversary eating Mexican food and two stepping with friends. I love good fajitas & margs, country music, and two stepping, so that was perfect. Then Jackson and I spent some quality time the next day having our monthly family dinner with some of our best friends, David, Julie, and Hazel. We got to share some Jon stories, and have some sweet moments remembering him. It felt right.
As I reflect back on these past six months, I am so proud of how Jackson and I have grown. Jackie Boy is talking a million miles a minute now, and he’s learning new things every day. Lately he’s been saying “You are ANGRY! You want to punch pillows!!”, and I love that he knows how he’s feeling and how to express it healthily. (I also love that he doesn’t know how to use pronouns properly and refers to himself as “you” and me as “I”. It’s adorable.)
Right before Jon was diagnosed with cancer, we listened to Refiner by Maverick City Music a lot. A few months later we joked that if we had only known what we were really asking for, we may not have sung it with quite such zeal. Cancer and Jon’s death were the refiner’s fire for me. Boy howdy did I get refined! I’m still learning and growing tons, but I don’t feel like my face is being held to a scalding stove anymore. Most days life is pretty good. I have incredible friends and I have lots of things to look forward to. I miss Jon a lot, but I don’t feel unmoored without him like I did in those first few months after he died.
NOLA
In February, Jackson and I flew to New Orleans to visit our friends Lydia and Caleb and their kiddos. Lydia is one of those friends who just gets me. We’ve known each other for 15 years, and we’ve lived a whole lot of life together. Lydia was the first friend that met Jon when we started dating. And she was the one sat with me after Jon’s funeral.
Our NOLA trip was so sweet. We stayed up way too late talking, and the kids soaked up playing together for hours. We took this beautiful walk along the water and it was just dreamy. We ate some really good food and laughed a ton. We did have some moments though. On the way to the zoo, Jackson barfed all over the car (and a little on Judah, on his birthday. What a champ!!). We hosed Jackson and the carseat off, and the kids spent the afternoon playing in the sprinkler. They probably had more fun than they would have had at the zoo anyway. I had a sob fest on their back porch because I couldn’t get Jackson to sleep one night. I was just over single parenting and missing Jon, and was crying out to God about it all. Caleb got Jackson to bed and Lydia cried with me. Then while we were out to dinner, I tried to offer some comforting words to a lady I overheard talking nearby. She had just lost a family member to suicide. I was firmly rejected by her daughter, and it shook both Lyds and I up. So we drove around blaring Justin Bieber, as one does when they need to clear their mind.
The barfing, sobfest, and Biebs drive were some of my favorite parts of the trip though. Friends that can handle all that with a good attitude and four kids in tow are real ones for sure.
Cleaning out Jon’s closet
Cleaning out a dead person’s closet is just inherently weird. Guess he’s not gonna need these jeans anymore in heaven, right? I just kinda went for it when the timing felt right. I kept a few special items like the shirt he was wearing when we met and the shirt he was wearing when he proposed. Two of his friends wear size 13 shoes, so they’re rocking his Yeezys now. I set aside his hats for Jackie Boy. I donated the rest, and I like to imagine that some lanky guy out there is rocking it. It was emotional and hard and good. Jon wasn’t the tidiest guy, and I didn’t go in his closet when he was alive until the very end when he couldn’t go upstairs to get clothes. So, I found some pretty funny things—anyone remember when he went through his fidget spinner obsession? I found sooo many of those. Lots of good memories for sure.
Jon’s closet was overflowing with books, and I’d been wondering what to do with them. He had a bookshelf that was stacked double deep, and then more overflowing around the top shelf of his closet. He had set aside the “must reads” for Jackson, but I didn’t know what to do with the rest. Then I was talking to a friend who told me that when he gets anxious, he goes to Half Price Books. Just browsing helps him calm down. It got me thinking about how it would be really neat if Jon’s books helped someone like my friend.
Jon always borrowed (and never returned) books from one of his best friends Jacob. They loved to talk about what they’d been reading and swap book recommendations. So I enlisted Jacob’s help to sift through Jon’s books. We laughed and shared stories as we flipped through Jon’s massive library (aka closest). Jacob found many of his missing books. And at one point, Jacob saw a book and said “oh hey I’ve been looking for this book at Half Price!! I haven’t been able to find it! I’m so glad I have a copy now.” I got to see Jon’s books help someone in real time. That was pretty cool.
Jon loved spending time playing with Jackie Boy. As Jon got sicker and couldn’t be as physical in their play, he had Jackson climb up on his lap in the recliner and they’d watch film together. Jon would point out all the players and give Jackson a little scouting report, breaking it down for him. So naturally, Jackson loves basketball. He has a hoop upstairs and downstairs in our house. He loves to yell “get buckets!” as he dunks on his little hoops.
Jon had a pretty sweet collection of basketball memorabilia. When Jackson was born and Jon’s office became the nursery, some of Jon’s stuff had to move to his closet wall. But then we were gifted a signed Luka ball and a Jalen Brunson jersey, and those are just too freakin cool. So I got the idea to display Jon’s collection on Jackson’s wall, and Jackson is about it. Jon was pretty adamant that Jackson not feel pressure to love basketball just because he loved basketball, so the wall decor will change over the years as Jackson’s interests shift. But for now, the hope is that it’ll help him know a little more about who his Daddy was.
Jackson’s third birthday
At Jackson’s first birthday party, we knew something was seriously wrong with Jon. He had lost a ton of weight in the few weeks prior, and he kept spiking fevers and shivering in 75° weather. He ended up spending most of the party inside, and a few days later was our first ER trip.
Two days before Jackson’s second birthday party, we found out that Jon’s second chemo regimen wasn’t working. We knew he would never go in remission, but we were hoping for maybe a year. Finding out the backup chemo wasn’t working was pretty devastating because it meant that the clock was really ticking. His doctor said he had weeks to months to live. His exact words were “I think I’ll see you in six weeks, but I’m not so sure after that.” So we knew that it’d be Jon’s last birthday with Jackson unless there was a miracle. I also found out some heartbreaking news about one of the people I’m closest to right before the party. Last year was really, really tough.
So, I was pretty nervous about Jackie Boy’s third birthday. It should be a day to celebrate him and love on him! And I wanted it to be joyful, not another milestone to dread. But the days prior were pretty tough, and I was worried about the day itself. I was missing Jon, and was really sad that this would be the first of many birthdays without him.
I took off work on Jackson’s birthday and we had a really sweet morning playing at home together. Lola Bernie came over and gave him some hugs and kisses and loving. Then we met up with our friends Sarah, Norah, and Abbie at a restaurant that has a playground attached. I love when my friends have kids and then our kids get to be friends. It’s awesome. While the kids played, she and I got to talk about life. After naps and more play time, my family brought dinner, cupcakes, and presents over. And then once he was in bed, I got to meet up with some friends to chill for a few hours. His party was a few days later, and it was so sweet. We have an incredible support system.
Dating
Jon was pretty adamant that I get remarried if he died, to the point where I had to ask him to slow his roll a little bit. In our last long conversation, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said he was so sorry that I had to be single again. He told me that I was an incredible wife, and gently reminded me that he wanted me to marry again and make some man as happy as I had made him. What a beautiful, loving, and selfless thing to do.
So, late last year I started praying through when I should dip my toes in the dating pool again. Back in January, my church did a fast and I decided to fast for clarity and vision in this area. I also asked some trusted friends, Bernie, and my parents to pray through it with me. After getting the green light from that crew and praying through the fast, I felt peace about going on dates. But, I didn’t want to get on dating apps just yet. So, I prayed and told God that if he really thought I was ready, he’d have to send some guys my way to ask me out in real life. Within 24 hours, two guys asked me on dates. Ha!! How’s that for an answer?
Bless the man who took me on my first date in seven years (also, hi if you’re reading this!!). He was so compassionate and tender. I’ve been on a handful of dates with a couple of guys since, and I have been just so blown away by their gentleness and kindness. I am so grateful for these men of character who have honored me well. I would be lying if I said it’s not weird to sit across from not Jon on a date. But it’s actually a lot better than I thought it would be, and that is a massive relief. I’m also seven years wiser and more mature, so dating feels so much less scary. Praise God for that too!
I would love your prayers as I embark on this journey. Please pray for a man to come along who walks with the Lord. Pray that he will love me well, and love Jackson like his own son. And please pray that he comes sooner rather than later.
Ruth and Naomi
Ever have that feeling when you just know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that something will or won’t happen? Hearing from God feels a bit like that, but with even more urgency or power. It’s not just a gut feeling—it’s something that’s felt deep in the spirit and deep in the bones. (And before we get too technical, I don’t mean audibly hearing the voice of God. “Speaking” and “hearing” are just the best words I’ve got to describe how the Spirit communicates.) Back in 2014 before I met Jon, I was learning to hear God more clearly. I felt like God said that my story would be Ruth’s story.
If you know the story of Ruth, skip to the next paragraph. If you don’t, here’s a brief video or written summary: Elimelech, Naomi, and their two sons moved to Moab because Israel was experiencing a famine. The sons married Moabite women, and then all the men in the family died, leaving Naomi and her two daughters-in-law as widows. Naomi (MIL) decided to move back to Israel hoping some distant relatives might take care of her, and told her daughters-in-law to go back to their families for a fresh start. Ruth (DIL) refused and moved with Naomi to Israel, telling her, “Don’t force me to leave you; don’t make me go home. Where you go, I go; and where you live, I’ll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I’ll die, and that’s where I’ll be buried, so help me God—not even death itself is going to come between us!” (Ruth 1:16-17). So Ruth and Naomi moved to Israel, and Ruth worked hard in wheat and barley fields to provide for Naomi. When Naomi heard whose field Ruth was working in, she cooked up a plan for Ruth to convince the land owner to marry her. Boaz was a kind man who looked out for people, and he had noticed Ruth’s industrious spirit as she worked in his fields. When Ruth proposed marriage, Boaz readily accepted. Ruth and Naomi went from being destitute widows to members of one of the most prominent families in Israel. Their name and family line was saved. Jesus comes from the lineage of Boaz and Ruth.
So back to what I was saying before—in 2014, I felt like God said Ruth’s story would be my story. I took that to mean that I’d be loyal and faithful and have her character. I didn’t think it would be quite so literal! When I heard more about Jon’s story, I remember thinking ‘hmm, that’s funny that his mom is a widow, and that she grew up in a different country.’ And then as we got deeper into dating, I shared with him about what I had heard from the Lord about my story being Ruth’s story. It was something we talked about often enough, but not something that we really fixated on. When Jon was diagnosed with cancer, he looked at me and said “You told me. I’m going to die. You said your story would be Ruth’s story.” We looked at each other and both burst into tears. As we prayed about it in those first few weeks after his diagnosis, I got a strong sense that Jon’s mom Bernie would come to know Jesus through his cancer journey.
If you ever asked Jon what he needed prayer for, you’d likely hear something about Jackson and Bernie. Jon had many years of what he called “hard living” under his belt. Bernie raised Jon to honor authority and be a good citizen. Jon was a contrarian at heart though, and his hurts from not having a present father created a ripe environment for rebellion. His heart was deeply wounded, and instead of addressing his inner hurts, he drowned the pain with substances and snarky words. Sweet Bernie had to bail him out of jail… twice. One time he got pulled over with weed in his car and declined the search because the officers didn’t have a warrant, so they called in the K9 unit. He prayed “God if you’re real, please don’t let the K9 dogs smell my weed.” The dogs didn’t alert and he got let off scot free. He looked at the policeman, winked, and said “no hard feelings, officer.” What a punk.
When Jon met Jesus, he started to address those inner hurts. His attitude became a little less sassy and he became a softer, kinder, more considerate man. He went through a 12-step program for his various addictions, and made amends with the people he thought would never forgive him for the things he did. Bernie watched his transformation, and asked some great questions. Jon shared with her about how Jesus had changed his heart and life, and shared with his friends that his biggest prayer request was for her to know Jesus. Bernie grew up at a Catholic school, but it was the kind of environment where the nuns would discipline the students if they laughed during Holy Week. Yikes. Makes Christianity sound so appealing, right?
In 2021, Bernie joined an intensive program to learn more about the Bible and decide for herself what she thought about it. Bernie has a PhD and is the smartest person in the room most of the time, but she’s so humble that you’d never know it. She loves science, nature, and animals, and she champions the marginalized and outcast. She has a beautifully philosophical mind. She asked some of the most challenging and insightful questions as she explored the Bible. Still does! Boy do I love to watch a Tjarks learn. Two weeks before Jon died, she told him that she was in on Jesus. I’ll never forget the look on Jon’s face when that text rolled in. He kept crying and saying “do you think she really means it?!” She came up to the rehab facility, and they had a conversation about it while I went on a walk. Jon was smiling ear to ear when I returned. What a beautiful day that was!
Bernie and I have such a tender and sweet friendship. She watches Jackson after school every Tuesday and Thursday until I’m done with work. When I finish, we talk about life and shoot the breeze. She challenges me and encourages me to grow. Jon’s best friend Kevin meets up with her regularly to discuss the BEMA podcast. She has my friends over to her house for dinners or to show their kids her chickens. My people have become her people. My God has become her God.
Jon wrote to me a letter on our first anniversary wedding anniversary, July 29, 2018. He talked some about Ruth, and it’s so sweet to re-read his words on this topic. I transcribed a portion because his handwriting is a little heard to read. He wrote, “I have been reading the Book of Ruth over the last few weeks, and in it Boaz calls Ruth “a woman of noble character.” I can see why God has spoken this word over your life, because it certainly applies. It’s very convicting for me, since Boaz is also called a man of noble character in the book. I need to become the Boaz to your Ruth, and I still have a long way to go in that department. I want to be a man who honors God in everything I do and never does anything out of pride or ambition. I know that will bless you, and that is my goal for the next year.” I can affirm that was a man of noble character, and he already was when he wrote the letter. From glory to glory.
More on hearing from God
The Bible teaches that God is made up of three separate entities called the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. (If the idea of the Trinity confuses you, you’re not alone. This video does a phenomenal job breaking it down.) We often think about God as the Father or the Son, but what about the Holy Spirit? Scripture says the Spirit is God’s personal presence here on earth, dwells inside followers of Jesus, and is the helper that enables us to communicate with the Father and Son. So much of the New Testament is peppered with stories about the Holy Spirit telling people to do this but not that and to go here but not there. Paul writes in his letters about the Spirit like they are besties. They are just chatting it up all the time! God never changes (Malachi 3:6 and Hebrews 13:8), so if Paul’s God is the same as my God, I can chat it up with God like we’re besties too.
As the years have gone by, I’ve practiced hearing from God through his Spirit. Y’all, he has SO much to say if we’ll just take a second to slow down and listen. And what he has to say brings so much peace, reassurance, guidance, and love. From the small to the big, God talks. Jon believed that God talked to him too. Jon was praying about wanting to be married, and felt like God told him to wait until after the weekend of March 25-27, 2016 to pursue online dating. He felt like God said he’d meet his wife that weekend. He was so confident in what he heard that he wore a shirt that said “Mr. Perfect” on March 26, 2016, the day we met. I sit here and write this on the seven year anniversary of that day. He knew that day that I would be his wife, not because crazy sparks flew, but because God told him so. Wow.
But hearing from God isn’t always easy or clear. If you mishear on something near and dear, it’s easy to slam that door and never reopen it again. 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 says, “We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” Another translation of that verse says that we’re looking in a dimly lit mirror.
I really felt like God said that Jon would be healed this side of heaven. Even with my Ruth story, I still felt like God said he’d be healed. Jon was never quite convinced. We prayed about this tons, and many of y’all prayed right alongside us. Then he went on hospice, and I had a dream that he went to heaven. I felt like God said he wouldn’t live. He died four days later.
So, how do you cope when you feel like God has said one thing and then it doesn’t happen? Or what about when what you hear changes? How do we see him clearly when we’re squinting through the fog or looking in a dimly lit mirror? And how do you not feel like a crazy person, wondering if you’re just making all this stuff up anyway? I wish I had nice, tidy, theologically sound answers to these questions. I have been wrestling with versions of these questions for as long as I’ve been trying to hear from God.
But I’m hard-headed, and I’m not giving up. If Elijah, (who James says was just a man like us) can hear from God, so can I. Elijah prayed for rain seven times before it actually came. He had to feel crazy sending his servant to look for a cloud on the horizon over and over, waiting on God to deliver on his promise. I’ve always wondered what his mental state was like on that seventh prayer before God delivered: was he just sitting there trusting and full of faith? Or did he start to feel stupid, like he hadn’t heard from God? I know I’d definitely feel the second. There are so many other stories in the Bible of people waiting on God for decades for the things they’ve felt like they’ve heard him say (Elizabeth, Sarah, John the Baptist). Or they hear one thing and then something in seeming opposition happens, and yet they still choose to trust God (Hezekiah, Moses). I am determined to not let the misses cut off the lines of communication, and I’m learning to not get as worried in the process. But I still feel stupid many days. So I ask God to give me peace and guide me as I learn.
I’ve started asking God about the tiniest, most insignificant things so that I can learn to hear his voice in lower stakes ways. It’s been pretty wild how much I’ve heard and how spot on it’s been. Every day, I ask God what passages of scripture I should read. In mid-February I was praying, and I felt like God said “I am doing a new thing.” I practically laughed out loud because I was having a hard day and was feeling pretty hopeless. Then as I finished my prayer time and asked God what scripture to read, I felt him say Isaiah 42 and 43. Now I may have some scripture memorized, but I am terrible with references. I hadn’t read that particular passage in quite some time. I went to those chapters, and lo and behold, there it was: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18-19). Word for word. And the past month, it really has felt like he’s doing something new.
Then a few weeks ago, I wanted to hang out with a group of friends on a Friday night. I felt like God said they’d be busy Friday, but I’d see them Sunday. We don’t go to the same church, so I was a little confused because I didn’t have plans with them. But on Sunday morning a text rolled through about a sand volleyball game happening in the afternoon with that group. Jackson and I got to hang out with these sweet friends, crack jokes and tell funny stories, eat good food, have deep talks, sauna, play, and soak up some quality time.
This past week I was praying with a friend about a job offer she had received. On Friday, I felt like God said it wasn’t over quite yet. Then an unexpected job offer rolled in on Sunday. I’ve had multiple other instances in the past three months where I feel like God says something in my prayer time, and then the reference he gives me is identical to what he’s just said. Or he’s told me when something would happen, whether by prayer or dream, before it happens. It’s a little unnerving, but it’s real.
Y’all, the one that created the universe is kind enough to listen to even our tiniest hopes and dreams. And he responds. I have the ear of the one who made the Grand Canyon and all the galaxies in the sky, and he cares about me. That’s powerful and deeply moving. Sometimes I miss the mark and don’t hear right, but I’m learning to not shut the door when that happens.
Reading // Listening
All Things New by John Eldredge. Such a good book on heaven and what it’s all about. Angels and harps and fluffy clouds aren’t really much to look forward to. The Bible teaches that heaven will actually be the earth made new, with no suffering, sickness, traffic, or heartbreak. I love the way that Eldredge breaks it down. If we have that heaven in mind, we should be living radically differently than many Christians do.
Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis. If you love sci-fi, this is for you!! Oh it’s SO good. Lewis is my favorite author and I love The Chronicles of Narnia series. This book does not disappoint. Crazy adventures and beautiful storytelling. It’s the first in a trilogy and I can’t wait to read the other two.
A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. Wow, and I thought I suffered much! Sittser lost his wife, mom, and daughter in a car crash. This book is all about how he coped and what he learned along the way. I could have written many of the things he said.
Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge. If you want to learn more about who Jesus’ was as a person, this is a great book. What was his personality like? How did he really live? Things like that.
Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen. A beautiful work on just how deeply God loves people.
Pics
Tjarks was on my heart today. I’m glad I found this page. I hope you continue finding the strength to move forward. Jackie boy is beautiful. Jon would be proud.
Geez, what an incredible update this is. ... I just thought about you and Jon last Friday. Thought of how I had liked reading your updates and wondered how you were. I'm just a fan of Jon's from out here in California; read all of his blogs on Isaiah as well as his basketball stuff ... Got to email back and forth with him a little. I hope this note finds you well and look forward to hearing more from you!